This might get kind of personal :)
Lately...Since I've been engaged it has been a struggle to be happy or excited, especially about being engaged or getting married. I generally don't get excited about much, just because I guess it's a safeguard. I have had continuous family disappointments throughout my life, resulting in, I guess, a jaded testimony of the family. And where does the family unit start? With marriage. So, I've also had a less-than testimony of marriage as well. I've always known temple marriage is the best, and it is also a commandment to be married and have a family and I do believe in keeping all commandments. Even when my testimony is not up to par, I still know what is right and I follow through with that. The gift of just knowing what is right has kept me on the straight and narrow, through all times in my life. I am very grateful for that. (Wonderful friends have also supported me.)
Anyway, to get back on track, I have been bombarded with an almost bipolar temperament lately. I've been relatively happy and fine, and then all of a sudden every choice I am making concerning the near future becomes clouded and wrong and I'm left bawling my eyes out, confused and clouded. I was texting my friend about how I couldn't and wouldn't get married and how families don't work. She text me back, "Megan, Families Can Work". I love her emphasis and could hear her voice telling me this. She then asked me if I had prayed and thought I should go to the temple. I put the phone down and tried to quell my clouded and scattered mind and sat there for a while just struggling with myself. I wanted to pray but I just didn't feel it. I breathed and waited and finally I got up and went to my room and just poured my heart out. I said everything I was feeling, even while feeling angry and upset and scared. I didn't hold back. When I was done I felt I should read out of some of the old Ensign magazines I found while cleaning my room. I read out of the June and September 2011 issues. (guess they aren't that old :P) The article,
The True Path to Happiness by Quentin L. Cook helped me so much. I felt the truth in my heart as I read. Other talks that helped were
The Latter-day Saint Concept of Marriage, Building My Eternal Marriage, Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage, and so far, Setting Their Sights on the Temple articles from the
September 2011 Ensign. It helped so much to read and to sit and think about what I really wanted.
It will still be a struggle to move forward because building a testimony takes time. I know that I must work on it or else I will fall again and doubt myself and the teachings of the church. Life is a struggle, but, 2 Nephi 2:25 says, "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy" (emphasis added).
I will continue working on my testimonies and on being happy and hopefully the next time a 'sad attack' comes I will be stronger and more able to bear through it with my strengthened testimony.
